Ruining Christmas

I hope you "Christmas after Halloween!" folks are happy. It's only the beginning of December, yet thanks to you, I keep feeling like Christmas must almost be over, since it's already been going on so long.

Additionally, I've had a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit, and I think part of that is because it hasn't seemed that different from November, when it wasn't Christmastime. My parents have been watching Hallmark Christmas movies for the past month, so it doesn't feel any different now that it's actually Christmastime.

But I guess those folks aren't entirely culpable, since there are other factors at work. One might be the fact that it's been so warm and snow-free. Yesterday was my first time going up North Canyon during the month of December. It was also my dad's first time up there, period.

However, I do get uncomfortable with this notion of "snow=Christmas." First off, it snows more in January, so snow should really be more representative of January. (January--ooh, I shudder at the thought!) Additionally, when it snows in October, it doesn't mean it's Christmas. When it snows in April, it doesn't mean it's Christmas. Snow =/= Christmas.

Anyway, I thought since you guys have "ruined" my Christmas, I would ruin others' holiday too.*

At Christmastime we sing "The First Noel." More like "The Worst Noel"! I agree that it is a classic carol that gets me in the holiday mood. But strip that lovely tune away, and you're left with terrible poetry. Utter garbage. I have thought and thought and thought about the words, and I still can't figure them out. "The first Noel was to certain poor shepherds." That is what it says. What does that even mean? It makes no sense whatsoever! "A cold winter's night that was so deep"? What does that mean?! I tell you one thing that is not deep: these lyrics! (Ba-doom-cha!) "Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel!" I can just imagine the conversation going something like this: 

"I have this great tune, but I can't think of words to fit it all." 

"Why don't you just say 'Christmas' four times?" 

"That sounds harsh." 

"What if you do it another language?" 

"Perfect!"

I could go on and on about how bad this song is, but I think you guys are intelligent enough to ponder the terribleness of it for yourselves. "Silent Night" isn't great either, but it least it has the excuse of being a translation.

This week I bought this pint of eggnog in the break room at work, but I took it home because I didn't want to drink it all at one sitting.

By the time of this picture, I had actually diluted it with milk. Much tastier, and not as calorie dense.

My year of calories taught me a few things. I have downed some of these in one sitting before (five years ago I did at the Salt Lake Temple cafeteria, and I had some during finals week at BYU four years ago, though that was technically BYU Creamery eggnog). But this one bottle of eggnog has a whopping 760 calories. For some perspective, that is roughly equivalent to:

• Fifteen candy canes
• Seven or eight pieces of bread
• Ten Oreos
• Nine or ten string cheeses
• Eight bananas
• One and one-third Big Macs

I still drink eggnog, but you need to be aware of it. When I counted calories, I was most shocked at the calories in Oreos, Cheesecake Factory, and eggnog.

I went to my home ward's Christmas dinner, and they told that story I first heard in Primary two decades ago, about Santa saying, "Teach the children the true meaning of Christmas," with the tree pointing to heaven, the wreath symbolizing eternity, the candy cane being a shepherd's crook, etc. I find this story a little obnoxious, just trying to assign meaning to various items when they don't really have one. Guys, it's OK. You can be religious and still enjoy things that do not have a religious origin. (I really grew to dislike this story thirteen years ago when I attended a ward in Delta and a woman told the story in sacrament meeting, and she even wore a Santa hat and decorated a little Christmas tree with all these supposed symbols.)

I have tried to pinpoint why we love Christmas so much, because let's face it: December is a horrible time of year. Cold, dark, dead, slippery. There's no reason it should be our favorite. We always talk about the joy of Christmas being about Jesus, or about family togetherness, or peace on earth. I love Christmas, and I love those things, but I don't think that's why we like the holidays. If your experience is like mine, then I hate to break it to you, but the joy of Christmas really is ultimately about the presents. Sorry. Let me explain:

I enjoy the sensory aspects of Christmas: the Christmas songs, the lights, the scent of pine, the peppermint. It brings back the joy experienced at previous Christmases: 2016, 2012, 2007. And each of those Christmases were filled with joy brought back from earlier Christmases, going all the way back to childhood. And when I was a child, what did I look forward most to? Presents! Candy! Santa Claus! Jesus, family togetherness, and peace on earth are kind of mature concepts for a tiny kid to understand or appreciate, yet the joy of Christmas goes back to toddler years, when presents were one of the few things we understood.

Furthermore, if it were really just about Jesus, why don't we have the same joy about Easter? Or if it were just about family togetherness, why not the same joy for the Fourth of July? And we never had peace on Earth to begin with, and even if we did, we wouldn't relegate it to one month of the year. True, we don't get the same joy from birthdays, even though we get presents then, but you also don't get a stocking full of candy on your birthday, and your gifts don't come from a fantastical man.

There you have it. The joy of Christmas comes from nostalgia for presents.

*I hope you guys recognize this is all in good fun. I don't really want to ruin your Christmas. Unless you are a jerk. Then I hope I ruin every holiday for you.