The 800 Club

Hey, this is my eight hundredth post! But I can't say this is a special post in any other way. I didn't have a super eventful week—which was nice after the last several weeks have been so busy, and then this week will also be busy. 

When I have a free Saturday in the fall, I like to go on a long run. But yesterday, my default North Canyon and Mueller Park were hosting a race, so I wanted to avoid them. Instead, I decided to run to Dude Benchmark. I last went there almost two years ago. I don't go there often, because there is no shade, and there are some steep portions. I like to go via the Woodbriar Trail, which is nearly nine miles round-trip (yesterday's run was 8.82 miles). (There's a shorter way via Summerwood, but it has a dangerously steep portion that I hate with a passion.)

It was a windy day, which I could have done without. But that meant it wasn't too hot for a shadeless trail. For much of my run, I saw a mountain that was all dark, except where the sun was illuminating a golden grove of aspens.

I love seeing aspens at this time of year, and I usually see them in North Canyon, so I was glad I got to see one grove near the top.

It looked prettier in person

I took a lot of breaks as I was going up the steep parts, which makes me feel a little lazy—but since I don't often go here, of course it's going to be a challenge. I still did run the entire thing, even though I stopped sometimes. And I went very slow down the rocky, steep portions so I wouldn't slip. It's nice and satisfying to stand on top of the benchmark and see the 1950 USGS marker.

I almost had the trail to myself. I saw four or five people on the Woodbriar portion, but then I only saw one person on the farther portions of the trail. That's nice, but then what if I injure myself?

While I was out running, my mom found some old Christmas sugar cookies in the freezer, since we made an excessive amount in December. Of course, they're out of season. But I'm always looking for a loophole, and I allow myself to eat sweets that are made with our homegrown produce. We have a bunch of cherries in the freezer, so I made cherry buttercream frosting. I kind of messed up the texture, but the flavor was amazing! 

I also went on a walk to pull up goathead plants, and I was surprised at how many had their yellow flowers in bloom. I don't get out to eradicate them as often when I have less daylight in the evening. It's too bad such a diabolical plant has such charming little flowers.

This time of year is the best for watching spooky movies, and it's too bad it's also the best time to be outside, because who wants to watch a movie when you could be out in the lovely weather and trees? (OK, I know there's plenty of people who would rather watch movies.) If it's bloody and gory, I'm out, but I love silly spooky things. Here is a question I have always had: If a movie is spooky but makes no reference to Halloween, is it a Halloween movie? And the answer I'm leaning toward now is they're not Halloween movies, but they are Halloween activities, which is maybe not a helpful distinction. 

Last year I bought a DVD collection of Universal's classic monster movies, but the DVD case is horrendous. I don't need to bore you with the details, but I finally transferred them from the plastic case into one of those disc booklets. I really enjoy having this collection. This week I watched Phantom of the Opera from 1943 (not sure why they call it a "monster" movie, 5/10) and Werewolf of London from 1935 (7/10).

Other spooky and Halloween things I watched this week were Something Wicked This Way Comes (5/10), Halloween Baking Championship (8/10), episodes of the Beetlejuice cartoon (6/10), audio commentary for Over the Garden Wall (10/10 for the cartoon, though the commentary is dull), and an episode of the old Addams Family (6/10).

***

Time for pumpkinundation roundup!

I've had Trader Joe's Pecan Pumpkin Oatmeal in the cupboard since last fall, since I mostly eat oatmeal before I go on a long Saturday morning run. It's fine. 6/10.

Nerds Candy Corn has a candy coating around a chewy center, but the center seems less chewy than ordinary candy corn. These seem like solid Pixy Stix. There are different flavors, and the coating is a different flavor from the filling, but I can't say I noticed the flavors. It's just sugar. 6/10.

I expected Good & Gather Caramel Apple Baked Bars to be something like Nutri-Grain bars, but they're solid oat bars. I really enjoyed them (much better than Bobo's Oat Bars), and they had a nice flavor. 8/10.

I had a JJ Donuts Pumpkin Spice Donut with Cream Cheese Frosting. It doesn't seem like there's any pumpkin in the donut, but it's still a good donut. (They had some that had pumpkin spice cream cheese frosting, but I've had those before, and this one just sounded good that day.) 7/10.

I thought my Iceberg Pumpkin Shake had a fruity flavor, and as I ate, I encountered a piece of peach (or some kind of fruit). I've had this shake before, and it was typical in the past, so it was weird to have a fruity version. I assume it was a mistake? 6/10.

I believe this is a Dunford Pumpkin Spice Donut, which I bought at a Holiday gas station. It might have had pumpkin in it, but I'm not sure. 8/10.

And my mom's friend gave me a Cutler's Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookie, which is always a good option. I like it better than many other pumpkin cookies. 9/10.

At a dinner this week, I had Trader Joe's Petite Pumpkin Spice Cookies, which are fun but not too exciting. 7/10.

Queer Updates

Happy Coming Out Day! Today is the third anniversary of my coming out (here is my first anniversary post and here is my second, in which I talked about my faith journey). In keeping with the tradition, I just thought I would provide a general update on where I am now. You might notice that this post is less profound or less organized than in previous years; I suppose that's because I've already said many of the things I've wanted to say.

In June 2024, I saw an old colleague, and he asked me how life was: "Are you happy?" I told, him, truthfully, that I really love both my jobs. But inside I was thinking, "No, I haven't really been happy for a long time, and I don't know when I will be." I was still grappling with a lot of big questions.

Then in January this year, I thought, "Actually, I think I'm happy for the first time in a long time." (Even though I still grapple with a lot of the same questions.)

In many ways, I am happier because I am making decisions because I want to do them, not because they're expected of me. I now ask myself, "Why am I doing this? Am I doing it because I want to, or because I think I should?" To be sure, there are plenty of things I need to do that I don't necessarily want to do, like going to the dentist, filing my taxes, or getting my oil changed. But I have often done things simply because of expectations. Some of these expectations are self-imposed: I should finish reading this boring book because I started it. I should buy this candy because it's seasonal. Some things, of course, are expectations of others. My decade of dating women was primarily motivated by others' expectations (Church leaders and nagging aunts, even non-LDS nagging aunts).

This applies to Church participation as well. Last December, my bishop called me into his office and asked if I would serve as the ward's temple and family history cochair. For the first time ever, I said, "Can I take some time to think about this?" The following day, I sent him this email:

I have spent some time thinking about the Temple and Family History calling you extended to me, and here are my thoughts. 

 

As a professional historian, I fully support family history.

I am uneasy about attending the temple. I personally do not find it to be an edifying experience, and in fact it is often a negative experience for me. Last month I attended an endowment session for the first time in a year and a half. I satiated my curiosity about the latest changes, and I don't feel a need to attend again anytime soon.

With that said, I know it is meaningful for other people, and I am happy to support others in their temple worship. I can help schedule ward temple nights, etc.

I am willing to accept the calling if (1) I am not expected to attend the temple regularly and (2) I am not expected to talk about how great I think the temple is.

Let me know if you still want me to serve in this calling.

They opted not to give me that calling, and they asked me to teach Sunday School instead—which I like much better. I still do most Church things, but I often skip the Saturday sessions of stake conference. And 7 a.m. priesthood meetings are a tradition of our fathers that needs to be abolished, so of course I don't go to those.

Pretty much all of us in the gay LDS space have to navigate things in our own way, since every choice we make is the wrong choice in one way or another. That is extremely frustrating, and yet it is also liberating in its own way: When every decision is the wrong decision, I get to do what I want. And I don't know if or how long my current level of Church participation will last. I give myself permission to step back anytime, and honestly that makes it easier to participate. I have significant concerns about the state of the Church and its future, especially Oaks's veneration of the Family Proclamation, but many things are better than they used to be.

Sometimes people ask me if I'm dating, and the short answer is no. But I'm not actively not dating. I'm very much open to dating men if it comes up. I just keep myself busy with running, writing, editing, reading, swimming, shopping, etc., so dating is not a priority for me. Maybe one day I'll decide I want to date more actively. I have had the perplexing situation of guys sending me flirty texts, then not responding when I ask them if they want to go to dinner.

There is a concept called the gay adolescence, which I definitely experience. For most people, when they are adolescents, they experience their first crushes, go on their first dates, etc., and they have parents, teachers, and mentors as they navigate growing up. But for many of us who are gay, we experience those things when we are full-grown adults. For example, I was fully convinced I was a perfect match for another guy, only later for me to realize we really weren't all that compatible after all. And since I haven't had many close friendships throughout my life, I also have to navigate "Do I have a crush on this guy? Or do I just think he's a great friend?" I don't know what my type is, and I don't know whether I do or don't actually want a relationship, and I don't know what the trajectory of my life will be. But since I've only come to terms with this part of me in the last three years, I'm being patient and compassionate with myself as I learn things and keep figuring things out.

In fact, I'm trying to be more patient with myself in general. I have always been hard on myself and a bit of a perfectionist. Of course I'm not going to do everything right the first time I do it. Of course I'm not going to do everything right even the second or third or fifth time I do it. And if it's something I do frequently, of course statistically I'm going to mess up sometimes.

If something doesn't go right, I tend to think it's always my problem. Certainly there are things I could do better, but not everything is my fault. For example, a recipe might give a prep time, and it takes me twice as long to make it. I just assumed I was slow at cooking, and maybe I could cook faster, but maybe the problem is actually with the recipe's estimate, not with me. When I had less-than-ideal mission companionships, maybe it wasn't entirely my fault. When I still meant to pursue women, I didn't date often, and dates were negative experiences. But the problem wasn't so much with me and my dating skills; the problem was being in a heteronormative culture that placed excessive pressure on dating and didn't have a viable option for me.

Part of me wonders if any guy would or could ever be interested in me. When I dated women, I often thought that most women were out of my league. As I look back now, I think, Would they have been out of my league if they were men? And I don't think they would be, at least not as much as when they're women. But I still think it would be prideful or presumptuous to think that a guy could be in love with me.

About a year and a half ago, I was looking at some old pictures of myself, having many unkind thoughts. Look at this kid. He has a double chin and ugly clothes. He has very niche interests. He's just generally awkward. And then I thought, Sheesh! Why do you hate this kid?! I have always been good at convincing myself that people don't like me, and in that moment, I realized I think people don't like me because I don't like me. Here are various things I believe to one degree or another: 

• If someone wants to hang out with me, they’re not as cool as I thought

• If someone does hang out with me, they'll see how weird, awkward, and annoying I am, and they won't want to see me again

• If someone is my friend, they’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel, so I can’t be friends with people who have a lot of friends

• If I want to be kind to someone, I should not talk to them

• If someone doesn’t respond to a text, it means I’m bothering them, and they don’t want me to talk to them ever again

• I’m like an animal at the zoo: People might find me interesting or amusing, but they don’t want to be close to me, and they may or may not think about me when they go home

• If I moved away (say, to New York City or Antarctica), only my family would miss me. Well, my bosses would miss me, because I’m good at what I do. But everyone else would think, “Oh, that’s sad,” then move on with their lives as though nothing happened. Many wouldn’t even notice. (I was going to say “If I died,” but that sounded sadder and darker than I intended.)

To be sure, I have valid reasons for thinking these things. But that doesn't make them true, and I'm working on combating these negative ideas. I am proud of the things I have accomplished in life, but those accomplishments do not give me any more value than I had as a 250-pound nerd who worked at Walmart.

There are a variety of reasons why I think I earned this self-hatred. It certainly wasn't helpful to be taught that being gay was evil, especially since I don't recall hearing a distinction between "attraction" and "behavior" until I was sixteen. And I think the rhetoric of "beware of pride" (which I don't disagree with) led me to think it was sinful to think anything good about myself. But there are plenty of other factors as well, even ones that can't (or shouldn't) be used to blame anyone.

I want to thank everyone who has given me reason to believe that people care about me. This includes comments on my blog; invitations to dinners, game nights, runs, and other events; random texts for any number of reasons; birthday or Christmas gifts; people saying flattering things about my skills; and more.

Busy fall week

Whew, I had a busy week! September and October are such lovely months that it disappoints me I have so much going on, so I can't savor the wonder of it all.

Monday was my birthday, and I knew it was likely my one chance to go on a long run up my beloved North Canyon, where I hadn't been since August. Late September and early October are the absolute best times there. My run was slow, because I kept stopping to take pictures.

I've decided I don't really like getting presents, because I get overwhelmed with all the stuff I have already, and it's not worth the frustration for finding space if it's something I merely like and not something I love. But one present I got, which I specifically asked for, was small, orange plug-in lights. I have some battery-powered lights, but they run out of batteries by the time Halloween arrives, so changing the batteries is annoying and seems wasteful. So plug-in lights avoid that problem.

One surprise was that my friend sent me a Nancy comic book in the mail. And then when I went into the office on Tuesday, my state boss presented me with a signed birthday card that had a Nancy panel! That felt like people actually knew me, instead of generic gifts. 

My BYU boss, along with a former coworker from the Church History Department, recently published a book on the history of the Salt Lake Temple, so I went to Benchmark Books on Wednesday evening to hear them talk about it. But I don't know when I'll get a chance to read it, since my to-be-read pile is big.

Benchmark Books has an astonishing collection of LDS-adjacent books, and I had to buy a couple other books: Taylor G. Petrey's Tabernacles of Clay, which is about how the Church's teachings on marriage, sexuality, and gender have changed over the years (I already read it but wanted my own copy); and Matthew L. Harris's Second-Class Saints, about the end of the priesthood ban. (It was quite astonishing to hear Peter Johnson talk openly about learning about the ban in general conference today!) They are expensive, but it feels good to support small, local businesses.

Back in 2014, my grandparents moved to Centerville, and since that time, my mom bought them season tickets to local CenterPoint Theatre. There were always three tickets so they could take someone else. Then even as my grandpa became blind and then died, we still had three tickets. But Grandma doesn't always like the plays, so on Thursday, I went with my cousin April and my niece Allie to see their production of Little Shop of Horrors. (Unsurprisingly, I typically choose to attend the holiday-adjacent plays.) The production wasn't as good as some of the others I've seen there, but I really liked the puppets, the actor playing Seymour, and the voice of Audrey 2. I hadn't seen it before, and it was one of those where I was like, "That's the ending?!"

(For my birthday twenty years ago, I got a cheapo CD called Halloween TV Specials with music from Halloween-adjacent movies and TV shows, and it had the opening theme from Little Shop. But the recordings weren't original, so I gave the CD away during a white-elephant exchange in 2009.)

Then Saturday, my friend David (everyone has at least one friend named David) shared a ticket to general conference, so I rode the bus downtown and attended. I was glad it was super rainy, because that meant I wasn't missing out on a pleasant run. I was not happy to be there during Elder Rasband's talk. I have a number of reasons I have issues with the talk and the Family Proclamation. Among other things, I don't think it's sustainable to do the mental gymnastics that "Fathers preside, and mothers nurture, but they are equal," and why can't fathers nurture? And also, it is not realistic for fifteen old, white, cisgender, straight, American, happily married men from thirty years ago to dictate how everyone else should live. But at least Elder Gong's talk was good!

When I went to Restore last week, I got an idea: What if instead of using AI to illustrate my dreams, I drew them myself? But I'm not an artist at all, and I don't really want to take the time to do that. But during today's morning session of general conference, I drew my recent dream where I accidentally rode my bike into a truck full of large pigs.

***
I didn't do pumpkinundation roundup last week, so I have two weeks to catch up on. These are in no real order, because Blogger makes it very difficult to add pictures in a reasonable manner.

I had Trader Joe's Pumpkin Flavored Joe-Joe's at a birthday party. Some people love them, but to me, they're just mediocre. 6/10.

Reed's Dairy Pumpkin Spice Milk does not have pumpkin puree, which seems like it would be an easy ingredient to add. It's almost as thick as eggnog. 7/10.

When you hear "Dr. Bombay," do you think of Bewitched or Snoop Dogg? Because I think of the witch doctor, but apparently this is a Snoop initiative. I don't know why he chose the name Dr. Bombay for this line of ice cream. Dr. Bombay Sticky Caramel Apple Ice Cream is fine, but it has a lot of peanut flavor, which is not what I expected. 6/10.

I think Cross E Ranch apple cider donuts are good donuts, but they're nothing like cider. This is typical of apple cider donuts generally, not Cross E Ranch specifically. 7/10.

My state job had a birthday lunch for Libras, and I had a Kneaders Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookie. Theirs is no better or worse than a typical cookie of this kind. 7/10.

Kellogg's Pumpkin Pie Spice Frosted Mini Wheats just have a vague fall-esque flavor. As a pumpkin item, they're not great, but Frosted Mini Wheats are one of my go-to cereals, so I'm happy to buy them each year, then buy more when I run out. 7/10.

My mom loves to put sugar-free Torani syrup in water, so we have Torani Sugar Free Pumpkin Pie Syrup. It adds benign flavor to anything, but it's nothing like pumpkin pie. 6/10.

I also enjoy Kellogg's Pumpkin Spice Special K, which has Special K flakes with flavored clusters. Again, not really pumpkiny, but a pleasant cereal. 7/10.

I've had this Great Value Candy Corn Flavored Syrup in the fridge for at least four years, because I don't go through that much syrup. It's pretty generically sweet. 5/10.

Great Value Pumpkin Spice Flavored Syrup has slightly more flavor, but it's an artificial flavor. 5/10.

Great Value Pumpkin Spice & Ginger Trail Mix is Walmart's proprietary brand, and it's not as good as Target's trail mixes. I like the candy-coated almonds. It also has candied ginger coated in chocolate. I don't mind them per se, but they're a little strong in a trail mix. 6/10.

I haven't been impressed with many Lesser Evil flavors, but I enjoy Lesser Evil Pumpkin Spice Popcorn more than I expected. 7/10.

Kind Pumpkin Spice Thins are a pleasant bar that I sometimes like taking on a run. I hope I can find them again when I go through them. 7/10.

When I live with people with lots of pills and supplements, I sometimes encounter weird things like Bariatric Pal Caramel Apple Calcium Citrate Soft Chews. They taste more like caramel than apple. They're pretty good for a calcium supplement. 7/10.

I'm used to regular dish soap, so Dawn Pumpkin Spice Powerwash Dish Spray is new to me. You spray a foam on the dishes. It has the kind of scent I expect in a fall boutique, not something I would eat (which is probably a good thing for soap). 7/10.

I enjoyed my JCW's pumpkin spice shake, but I can't say it's different than a typical pumpkin shake. 7/10.

Maverik often has pumpkin things, and the Maverik Pumpkin Danish is new this year. It was fine but not too memorable. 7/10.

I've had Trader Joe's Pumpkin Body Butter in my cupboard for years. The texture is nicer than many lotions, but it smells like coconut—not like pumpkin or spice at all. 6/10.

As far as taffy goes, Taffy Town Pumpkin Taffy is a winner because it actually has pumpkin in it. 8/10.

I don't love dried apples, or pretzels in trail mix, so Great Value Caramel Apple Trail Mix is just OK. 6/10.

One thing about buying seasonal cleaning supplies is that it motivates me to clean, so I was happy to buy Mr. Clean Spiced Harvest Multi-Surface Cleaner. Like the Dawn soap above, it has a pleasant smell, but not really something edible. Since I dilute it, this will last for years and years, especially if I only use it in the fall. 7/10.

I've been getting Thomas' Pumpkin Spice Bagels for more than a decade, because they're wonderful and actually made with pumpkin! I'm generally not big on bagels, but I love eating these with a slice of cheddar cheese. 9/10.

Milk Barn is a new dairy shop in Centerville, and I wanted to try Milk Barn Apple Crisp Ice Cream. I was extremely disappointed they put a plastic spoon in it before I could tell them I brought my own. Single-use plastic legitimately fills me with intense guilt. The ice cream was fine. Can I let you in on a secret? People often talk about how "[Insert brand here] is the best brand of ice cream I've ever had!" But for me, ice cream is ice cream. I can't say that one brand is better than another. (Also, I generally prefer baked goods over ice cream.) 7/10.

One unusual item is Nut Pods Candy Corn Coffee Creamer. "But Mark," you say, "you don't drink coffee!" That is true. But what kind of Mormon foodie would I be if I didn't have a container of Postum on hand? I was amazed how much this drink tasted like candy corn! But I don't know if it was the Postum, or the creamer, or the combination. 7/10.

I had Kirkland Signature Pumpkin Pie at a ward activity, and it's reliably predictable. 8/10.

They also provided Panera Autumn Squash Soup, which is better than you expect. 7/10.

And finally, the JJ Donuts Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin was OK. Muffins are dense, and the cream cheese filling was a little tangy for my taste. 6/10.