Go go go!

 I like to keep myself busy, and there certainly is a lot to do in the month of June! It's easy to think, "Ugh, there's not enough time to do everything I want to." But I'm trying to tell myself, "Isn't it great that I have so many wonderful things I can do?"

June is a wonderful month for trail running, with all the wildflowers; and since it stays light later than at any other time of the year, it gives me time for longer trails I don't usually do, partly because they don't have shade, which means they're not good during the height of the day. 

Wasatch penstemon and mulesears

There are all these thistles growing, and I think they are invasive, so I enjoy stepping on them. It's so satisfying to feel them crunch under my feet!

Wasatch penstemon

I think the sego lilies are more abundant this year than any other year I've seen.

Nootka rose

First Richardson's geranium of the season

Utah sweetpea

Cutleaf balsamroot

mushrooms

Sticky geraniums

My singles ward is part of a conventional stake, and recently they asked for volunteers to help with a service project at Camp Piuta, a Church-owned camp near Kamas. I was reluctant at first, but then I thought, "Don't think of it as a service project, think of it as a road trip to Kamas!" So I rode up with some other men to the camp. We helped clear erosion around the cabins. It was a beautiful location, but I felt awkward since I'm not good at manual labor. 

The only reason these glacier lilies are still around is because the elevation is so much higher there. They're mainly an April flower around here.

I continue to do pro bono editing work for Wayfare magazine, which has taken up quite a bit of time. But it means I'll get free admission to the Restore Gathering in October. We are getting close to finishing the second issue, so it's crunch time. I'm sad that crunch time had to be at a time of year when it's best to be outdoors. But it's OK. Wayfare has been a pleasure to work on.

On Monday this week, I was off for Juneteenth, so I watched the movie Miss Juneteenth, which was at the 2020 Sundance Festival, one of the years I worked there. I bought it on DVD when Top Hat Video went out of business in January. It was a decent movie; I give it a 7/10. It's not rated; it has PG-13 or R-level language and PG or PG-13 themes.

That evening I went to Target. The Impulsive Buy has a shared spreadsheet for us reviewers, and I looked at the spreadsheet on my phone to see if there was anything I needed to look for. I was wearing my running shorts at the store, and the shorts have mesh pockets with holes. I put my phone in my pocket, and the flesh of my leg started doing things on my phone. It shifted some of the columns in the spreadsheet, and it also typed this message in the spreadsheet. I was super embarrassed but also amused. 

It's hard to put things in strikethrough, so I'm impressed my leg knew how to

Another thing I like to do in June is to look for goathead plants to eradicate, but I haven't done as much this year. On Wednesday, I found a few that I pulled up from someone's parking strip. But then I noticed a wallet on the ground! I looked at the stuff in the wallet, and it belonged to a Venezuelan permanent resident with a generic Spanish name. The wallet had important things like a social security card and credit cards. I was going to turn it in to the police station to have them return it. But then I realized, "As a historical researcher, I do sleuthing for a living. I can probably do as good a job finding this person as they can." So I looked for his whole name (including middle name) on Facebook, and I found someone from the same city in Venezuela. So I sent him a message. And it was him! He didn't speak English, but thanks to the internet, we were able to message each other, and he came to pick it up. (I might have had him pick it up at the police station, but it was closed, and he seemed eager to get it.) So I went to save the world by picking goatheads, and instead I saved the world by returning a lost wallet.

And I have also spent some time picking cherries from my sister's tree. But I've been so busy that I haven't had time to pit them yet. It's a hassle, but it's great to spend a few hours pitting the cherries, then freezing them, so I can use them to make cherry crisp, cherry cobbler, cherry chocolate pie, cherry omelets, and cherry salsa all year round. 

I also have to spend time with my brother's youngest two kids, who have come to spend a few weeks here. Franklin (15) has enjoyed showing me pictures of their cat, Pudding, and he likes to play with and find Reggie. I told him, "I'm glad you like Reggie," and he said, "I love Reggie." And how could you not? 

I took this picture, but it looks like a Reggie selfie

Reggie weighs about eighteen pounds. The average weight of a male cat is twelve to fifteen.

Then on Saturday, my cousin flew in from Indiana to surprise her parents, so we took her down to meet them at Yuba Lake. I was happy to use my paddleboard for several hours and also do some swimming. I'm still not great at paddleboarding, and I fell in a few times. But I'm glad I was able to stand up for some periods of time. The great thing about a paddleboard is that you can stand, kneel, sit, lie prone, or lie supine. I do enjoy spending time at lakes, even though I haven't done that much of it.

I'm hoping I'll be able to catch my breath a little bit so I can do even more fun things!

Not today, Satan!

This is my 666th blog post, so in honor of that number, I am going to try to unpack some of the diabolical thoughts I have. 

I am a deeply insecure person. About literally everything. About my body, my social skills, my appearance, my lack of artistic and musical ability, my athleticism, my writing skills, my intellectual chops, my fashion sense, and anything else. I'm confident in my editing abilities, but even then I have my moments.

And there are things that I believe about myself, even though I logically know they are not true. I believe that my opinions don't matter, that I have less worth and value than everyone else, and that not only am I unlovable, but I'm undeserving of love. Like I said, I know these aren't true, but I can't just make myself believe otherwise. I've spent some time trying to figure out where these ideas came from.

I think some of them came from my position as the youngest in my family by quite a bit. When you are a young child surrounded by teenagers and adults, you learn that your interests and desires don't apply to everyone else. For example, when I was around five years old, which would have made my siblings twelve and fourteen, we were out our grandparents' house. Grandma asked, "Do you want to play a game?" and I enthusiastically responded, "Duck duck goose!" They said, "No, like a card game," and I felt dumb for making my suggestion. Now, of course grandmas and teenagers don't want to play duck duck goose. But at five years old, card games didn't mean anything to me. I say this not to shame my family, just to point out the reality of my situation.

And I still don't know how much this affected me, but it certainly wasn't helpful to grow up in a heteronormative society that told me something was wrong with me if I didn't like girls. If I was attracted to a man, I thought that was Satan tempting me. And I also picked up a notion that Satan didn't have power to tempt people in the temple. So if I was in the temple doing baptisms for the dead and was attracted to boys, then that meant I was inherently evil, because Satan didn't have power to tempt me there.

I always planned and expected to marry a woman, but I thought I was inadequate and undesirable for most women. When I was a teenager, a Sunday School teacher asked us to come up with the desired traits of our future spouse, and I said mine "would have to like me." When I was in college, local Church leaders would tell us, "Brethren, you need to ask girls on dates! They are crying on their pillows at night because they aren't being asked out!" I would think, "That might apply to other guys, but not to me. If a girl had to choose between spending a Friday night at home alone or spending it with me, she would rather spend it alone." And as recently as 2021, I would often think, "I should ask this girl out. But she's just way out of my league."

As I think back on these stellar women, I realize I thought they were out of my league because I wasn't actually interested in them. If they had been men—just as good-looking, just as kind, just as talented—would I have thought they were out of my league? No, I wouldn't—at least not as much as when they're women.

Additionally, in junior high and high school, I didn't have any close friends. I had people I would talk to at school, but no one outside of that. When I was in high school, I convinced myself that everyone hated me. Looking back, I think that was an overreaction—but it wasn't entirely unfounded. In six years of junior high and high school, I literally never hung out with anyone outside of school or church activities. The closest thing was when a guy invited himself to my house so I could tutor him in math. I think it was easier to make a blanket statement that everyone hated me by default than it was to figure out why I didn't have any friends and what I could do about it.

Because of this, I effectively shut people out. If people were friendly to me, I would tell myself, "They're just being polite. They don't actually want to be my friend." And I wouldn't allow a friendship to develop.

I'm not a kid anymore, so my thinking has changed. But elements of these ideas still affect me. I legitimately don't understand why anyone would want to be my friend, so I appreciate that people are. I have friends of varying degrees of closeness, but I haven't had a best friend since elementary school. When people say positive things to me or about me, I find it startling. Why would people think or say that?

These ideas have had real-world implications for me. They affected my participation grades in grad school. I think they have affected career opportunities. (And, thankfully, they partly prevented me from getting married.)

But! This post is not meant to be a downer or to evoke sympathy or to fish for compliments. I am actively working to overcome these ideas. If I have an opinion or an idea, I am more likely to bring it up, instead of hoping someone else will. I'm trying to reach out to more people, not worrying that I am bothering them. If they are dismissive of me, I won't waste my time with them. I attend group therapy every week and individual therapy every other week so I can practice these skills—"taking up space," we call it. In other words, I am allowing myself to matter. It's a work in progress, but it's still progress.

Not today, Satan!

Rainbows in the Temple

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last couple of weeks with it being my first Pride Month out of the closet. (A year ago at this time, I was still questioning and trying to convince myself I was on the ace spectrum.)

On Tuesday, I attended my ward's temple night, which was sealings. It was my first time performing proxy sealings since the beginning of the pandemic—which also means it was my first time doing them while fully acknowledging I'm gay.

I'm relieved that I no longer plan to bring a woman to the altar of the temple. But as I observed the ordinance, I couldn't help but think, "This was not made for me."

The room was all white and gold. But then I looked up at the chandelier. The crystals of the chandelier were acting as prisms, which meant there were rainbows in them—the only splashes of color in the room. And I saw myself! The people who designed the temple might not have put me there. But God did.

Being a gay Latter-day Saint is tricky because, like Adam and Eve, every choice I make is the wrong one. (I could have said Eve and Adam, but I decided to keep it in alphabetical order.) Staying single is the wrong decision, because we're told how great and important it is to get married and have a family. Marrying a man is the wrong decision, because I will be punished for violating the narrow application of a 1995 document.

And marrying a woman is the wrong decision, because it would not be a happy marriage for either of us. As I have met more people who are or were in mixed-orientation marriages, I have become more convinced it's not the best option for me, and probably not for most other people either. As a single man, I love that I can come home from work and do whatever I want, whether that's running, shopping, or anything else. I think if I were married to a woman, I would feel bad doing those things, because I would feel like I should be caring for my wife's emotional needs instead, and I wouldn't really want her to tag along with me. If I had a husband, I might want him to do those things with me, and even if he didn't, I wouldn't feel bad doing them, because I know I would choose to spend time with him when I was done. 

This principle of impossible choices in the Latter-gay Saint world was illustrated this week. For the last few years, the biggest voices in this space are that of Charlie Bird and Ben Schilaty, both of whom have books published by Deseret Book and cohost the Questions from the Closet podcast. (Last year, Questions from the Closet dethroned Mormon Land as my favorite podcast. I have listened to every episode—last summer, I had to do a lot of tedious things for my job, so I listened to lots of podcast episodes.)

Last week, Charlie announced that he is engaged to his longterm boyfriend, which also means that he is pulling his books from Deseret Book. (His second book was self-published—and as a professional editor, I can tell. Both of his books have a lot of bragging about how cool he is.) I have conflicting feelings about this. I am happy for Charlie and Ryan, and I probably would make the same choice under similar circumstances. As I said, all the decisions are wrong. But I can't help but feel sad for the rest of us. I don't think it's going to be helpful to have one of the few gay Mormon books pulled from Deseret Book. And his engagement is just another reminder of our impossible situation.

I'm not looking for a relationship right now, for a variety of reasons—one of them being that I have a multitude of deep-seated insecurities I need to work through.

Now, since I've talked about Charlie, I'll talk about Ben. He is my first-ever celebrity crush. I mean, he's a linguist who likes cats and Church history! In April 2022, I was feeling socially isolated after COVID and grad school, so I decided I needed to start going to activities with the mid-singles ward (I was still in the family ward at that point). The very first activity I found was a fireside with Ben Schilaty (who I didn't really know about at that point), so I went to it. Though I was still in denial, it was very inspiring and helpful and meaningful to me. And not only that, I had two friends in that ward, whom I will call M and S to preserve their privacy. Earlier that day, M, who I hadn't seen in years, was talking to someone about holidays, and she said, "I know this guy who really loves holidays." Then she said to S, "You should invite Mark to the fireside tonight," to which he said, "Mark's not going to want to come to a random fireside." So when I just happened to show up that night, they were shocked to see me, and they each assumed that the other person had invited me! I really felt like God was watching out for me that day, and I continued to reap the benefits of the fireside by learning about other resources.

I happened to see Ben on a tour of the Church History Library (my place of work) on my birthday, but I wasn't going to interrupt his tour. But I briefly talked to him at the Restore Gathering in October. His book is my favorite that I've read on this subject, and his experience resonates a lot with my own.

So why am I talking about all this? 

Well, there has been an uptick in anti-queer legislation, protests, and even violence. Trans people are being harrassed at stores. Factions are boycotting various businesses for showing support. Criminals are stealing Pride flags from people's homes. And there has been more serious violence. In November, a person who was raised LDS killed five people at a gay nightclub. And when the shooter's father learned that his child was at a gay club, he seemed more concerned that his child might be gay than that the child killed people. Even though the father was very much nonpracticing, he still said, "Mormons don’t do gay. We don’t do gay." People are literally dying because of our culture's treatment of the LGBTQIA+ community, whether it's by suicide or murder.

I hope that me being out of the closet can help to soften hearts and challenge the narrative about gay people being deviants or perverts or otherwise undesirable. We are your friends and family who you've known all along. 

And I really feel grateful that I'm in a place where I feel safe being out of the closet. I know some people live in more conservative places or have less accepting families. I have only felt love and support since coming out, though I can't help but wonder why certain people unfriended me or haven't responded to my texts. Though I first learned homophobic ideas from my mom (she once spoke disapprovingly of a billboard that said "Someone you know and love is gay" when I was around ten years old), she is very accepting and has become less homophobic than I was when I was still in the closet.

Here are some ways I have tried to be more open and visible:

• I mentioned being queer in my sacrament meeting talk in February. I got many compliments on my talk, but only one person specifically talked about the gay part. But last week at ward choir, one woman remarked, "There are more men here today. Why is that?" The choir director (a woman) said, "It's because I'm so alluring." Then she looked at me and said, "Sorry. Not for you."
• On Monday, I went to a ward picnic wearing the Pride shirt my sister got me for Christmas. I don't think I've ever received so many compliments on a t-shirt, and I was pleasantly surprised that it occurred at a church function. I must admit, I was really nervous to wear the shirt, and I felt a little uncomfortable talking to people while I was wearing it. But if there's someone else out there who is closeted (which is a good possibility), I hope I can signal that I'm a safe space.

• I have a Pride flag in my cubicle in the Church History Library, though only one coworker has talked to me about it (in a positive, affirming way). This week I wore my rainbow socks, and a different coworker told me she liked my socks. 
• When I started my state job, I put my pronouns (he/him/his) in my email signature. For many years, I resisted pronouns, because if someone guessed mine, they would be right. But then I learned that trans people appreciate seeing pronouns. And even though I'm 100 percent cisgender, if I see someone else sharing their pronouns, I can assume they would be a safe space for me as well.

Happy Pride Month!

(Note: One of the things that I have found surprisingly bothersome since my coming-out is when people shared my blog with other people without asking me first. If you feel like sharing my post with someone else, I would appreciate you asking me first. I will probably say yes. Thanks!)

Rain on Me

 Memorial Day was relaxing and low-key. I ran up North Canyon because it's my favorite, and it was good as usual.

This is what happens when you try to expectorate out the window on your way home.

We went to my sister's house for an afternoon cookout. It's nice to have a day off to relax. But I can't help but feel guilty we don't do more to remember what Memorial Day is really about. Last December I watched the series The Santa Clauses on Disney+, and the teenage son said he loved Memorial Day, even though he didn't know what it was about. His dad said it was to honor fallen soldiers, and he was shocked: "Why are we having a party?!"

Tuesday and Wednesday were runs on the Woodbriar Trail and the Bonneville Shoreline Trail, which were lovely ways to end the lovely month of May.

All the yellow is dyer's woad, which is invasive. And I think the white is whitetop, which is also invasive.

I was surprised to see an iris growing in the field.

Mulesears make the Woodbriar Trail the prettiest spot in all of North Salt Lake.

Mulesears (yellow) and Utah sweetpea (purple)

But on Thursday and Friday, I took it easy because I knew what I wanted to do on Saturday. And also, I had a lot of other things to do those evenings.

Saturday, I wanted to return to North Canyon and Mueller Park to go on the new portion of the Bonneville Shoreline Trail that was completed last year. These canyons are now a loop, and I'm excited to spend more time on it.

I started up Mueller Park, and when I got to Elephant Rock (3.5 miles), I felt great. I wasn't tired or sore at all, and it was a wonderful day.

The water was still going over this bridge, but it wasn't as bad as last time I was there.

I kept going up to Rudy's Flat (the six-mile point). This is the portion of the trail I don't go on as often, because it's between the optimal stopping points for each canyon. 

As I got to Rudy's Flat, I could see storm clouds. I heard some women asking if anyone had a weather app, and I shared with them that there was a severe storm warning for West Valley and West Jordan. I headed down North Canyon, and I debated whether I should call my parents to have them pick me up at the base of North Canyon, rather than going back to Mueller Park. If they picked me up, it would shave four miles off my run. But even with the prospect of storms, I still wanted to go the whole loop. I had long been looking forward to it, and I felt great.

Heartleaf arnica

Glacier lilies. These are one of the first wildflowers of the season, so it is surprising to see them in June.

As I got to the new trail, I decided to continue the loop, and I'm so glad I did. It was absolutely glorious! This part of the trail is easier, and though it has less shade, it was cloudy at this point, so it was cool. And there were so many kinds of wildflowers. It was spectacular! And I also heard turkeys gobbling, though I didn't see them.

chokecherry

Wasatch penstemon with mulesears

Here there's three similar but different yellow flowers in bloom at the same time: arrowleaf balsamroot, cutleaf balsamroot, and mulesears

Utah sweetpea

Smallflower woodlandstar

This is the most spectacular field of arrowleaf balsamroot I have ever seen!

This is the beginning of the new trail, but Blogger makes it unreasonably difficult to change the order.

The last few miles, it was raining. I haven't historically like running in the rain, in part because my glasses fog up. But guess what? This time, when my sunglasses were fogging up, I could just take them off! Now that I don't have to wear glasses, I'm more inclined to run in the rain. 

It was a total of 13.6 miles, and yet I didn't even feel exhausted at the end. I still had energy left. And this was one of the best runs I have ever been on. So amazing. I'm so glad there's the new trail now. And I'm glad that this thing I absolutely love is good for me.