Gather 2024

As most of you know, I have been on a journey for the last two and a half years as I grapple with what it means to be a gay Latter-day Saint. (If you're new here, you can check out my coming-out post and my anniversary post.) 

Fortunately for me, my journey has coincided with the beginnings of Faith Matters' Restore gathering (which I attended last week) and Lift+Love's Gather conference, which I attended this weekend. Gather, which I also attended last year, is specifically devoted to the queer Latter-day Saint experience, and it has a more middle-of-the-road approach than some other organizations. Just as I did with last week's Restore conference, I thought I would describe the conference and my experiences there. (Note: when I discuss personal interactions I had with people, I am avoiding using their names because I don't want to embarrass them. So if I'm talking about you, I want you to know I love you and appreciate you!)

On Friday morning, I drove down to Provo listening to my Halloween playlist early, since it was Friday the 13th. I saw some people I had previously met online, and I sat with one of them for the morning session. The first speaker was Greg Peterson, the president of Salt Lake Community College. He talked about BYU and SLCC, how BYU is exclusive and SLCC accepts all applicants, and there are different implications for each model. He compared that to building Zion. Do we have an exclusive concept of Zion, or one that allows everyone who wants to be there?

Then we heard from Jenn Blosil, an alumna of American Idol who realized she is just not into men but is currently choosing to keep her covenants. She performed "All Are Alike unto God," which Janice Kapp Perry cowrote with Meghan Decker for last year's Gather.

Liv Mendoza Haynes is a queer woman married to a man, even though she isn't really attracted to men, and they have a son with another on the way. I honestly don't remember a lot about her presentation. But she finished her presentation by saying that Jesus didn't suffer for the LGBTQ+ experience, because the LGBTQ+ experience is something to rejoice in.

David Butler spoke at last week's Restore, and he spoke again this time. He is like a standup comedian. He told a story that he once painted an amateur picture of Jesus that turned out terrible and he was super ashamed and embarrassed about. When his son saw the picture, he said, "That's not my Jesus." He explained that we sometimes have a picture of Jesus that doesn't match up with the Jesus that appears in the scriptures. And he told the story of the young men taking their paralyzed friend to Jesus through the roof. ("Church is boring. I wish someone would cut a hole in the roof during church," he quipped.) He explained that there are different ways to come to Jesus.

During the lunch break, I got food with three men who are in mixed-orientation marriages. 

For the afternoon session, we met in breakout groups, and I went to the LGBQ+ group. (The other groups were for gender identity, family members, and allies.) They had us get in groups of six and discuss the deep questions on our minds. For me, the deep questions are that I don't know what my future holds or what I want out of my future. Another man in the group is a BYU employee, and he is frustrated with the harsh messaging from Church leaders. He was specifically thinking of Elder Holland's musket talk, for which he was in attendance three years ago. But he can't say too much, because he doesn't want to get fired from BYU just before he retires.

Then Friday evening was a bonus event that was a live recording of the Questions from the Closet podcast, hosted by Charlie Bird and Ben Schilaty. That podcast has been very helpful for me as I have navigated everything, and I listened to every episode in 2022. (It helped that I was doing tedious things at work where I had to listen to podcasts to keep from dying of boredom.) They announced that QftC as we know it is coming to an end. 

Instead, they are rebranding as All Out in the Open, and they are going to rotate hosts. I really feel happy for them, because it didn't seem sustainable for them to do so many episodes all the time. Then I chatted with some people before heading home for the evening.

On Saturday morning, we heard from Nori Gomez, a Dreamer, an undocumented migrant whose family moved from Venezuela when she was four years old. The idea was to watch out for marginalized people, but I thought it was a stretch to have her at an LGBTQ+ event.

Lisa Diamond, a psychology professor at the University of Utah, spoke next. She talked about social safety. As human beings, we evolved to value connection, because being alone in prehistoric times literally meant death. To have social safety, it doesn't necessarily mean that our friends and family agree or even understand. But we need to know that we matter and are unconditionally loved. She showed a graph of trans people, queer cisgender people, and straight people and the places where people always feel safe. Perhaps not surprisingly, church is the lowest place where people feel safe.

She talked about maintaining friendships, that we need to be safe harbors for other people. But we also need to ask people if they will be our safe harbors. One thing I pondered a lot during the conference is why I struggle to make and maintain friendships and relationships. I think there are a variety of factors. For one thing, I'm an introvert and am content to be on my own. For another, I think that if people like me, then they have poor taste, and why would I want to hang out with people with such poor taste?

Steven Kapp Perry introduced a new song, "When We Gather," which was based on the story of the two disciples on the way to Emmaus, and it had a brief interlude of "Come Come Ye Saints."

Then there was a panel with two same-sex couples who have been married about a year. Charlie Bird and Ryan Clifford are a very famous couple, and Michelle and Rachel Barnard-Crosland were previously married to men and had children. All four of these panelists attend church still, and they talked about how they felt like God told them to move forward with their marriages. (Earlier this year, the unscrupulous folks at Mormon Stories sent spies to Ryan and Charlie's ward to see if they take the sacrament. Charlie alluded to this without specifically saying what happened.)

During the lunch break, I got food at the farmer's market, and I stopped at Pioneer Book on Provo's Center Street. They have a giant section of Mormon books, and my brain kept screaming "historiography!" I was surprised to see them displaying this ten-year-old niche book, Exploring Book of Mormon Lands, about Andrew Jenson's 1923 trip to South America. During my last few months in Provo in 2014, I spent my days in the BYU library checking the sources in the footnotes. (It was my job. I wasn't a weirdo doing that for fun.)

And I had to find it a little ironic that here I was attending a Latter-day Saint LGBTQ+ conference while I looked at this giant stack of Spencer W. Kimball's Miracle of Forgiveness, which is notorious for saying hurtful and harmful things about gay people. They no longer make this book. But when I worked at the Church Distribution center back in 2010 and 2011—which wasn't that long ago—it was still a book that people could (and did) order through the Church's online store, even though it's a publication of Deseret Book, not the Church itself. (We used headsets that would tell us what products to put in the boxes for online orders, and the computer voice always called it "Miracle of for-jive-ness.")

And I was bemused that they had Timothy Ballard's books under "nonfiction," even though his "history" writings might as well be. And, of course—Tim Ballard. 😬😬😬

In the afternoon session, we heard from a British couple who do something with FSY (formerly EFY) in the UK. They shared a video of a couple who works with them who are both bi. Of all the presentations, I think this was the most devotional and orthodox. They talked about how much they love the current discourse around the covenant path. I was surprised they would talk about that, because the "covenant path" rhetoric can be very triggering for those of us in this space (myself included). 

Perhaps the most devastating presentation was by Michael Soto, a trans man, and his genderqueer guest whose name I don't have. Michael explained that the "trans agenda" is an average life expectancy. He shared the heartbreaking statistic that the average lifespan for women is eighty, that of men is seventy-five, but the best estimate (which is flawed) for trans women is thirty-five. 35! And he shared the brutal ways that trans people die. 

There has been a dramatic uptick in antiqueer legislation in recent years. 

And most trans people are satisfied with their gender-affirming treatments. 

This presentation was the hardest one to hear because it was so tragic. I have certainly had to work through transphobia in my life.

Then there was a panel with Lisa Valentine Clark, Allison Dayton, and Jordon Sharp about being parents of queer kids. Allison said that there is no faith stronger than when people come to church when they know they're not wanted. Lisa said that we are not building Zion when people feel excluded and leave. During this panel, I couldn't help but feel sad for teenage Mark. I was a super weird, sad, lonely kid. There are a variety of factors for this, but being gay was certainly a major influence. 

We also heard from a man named Kainoa Clark, and it was his first time coming out publicly. But I don't remember what else he said.

I met a woman on Friday, and she sat by me in the afternoon session. She was attending from California and recently started a gay–straight alliance at the school where she teaches. She felt she had to come attend in light of the new trans policies. She was attending as an ally. But she told me technically she is bisexual—and she had only ever told her husband. Then she got emotional after sharing that with me.

For the closing activity of the conference, we assembled period kits for teen centers throughout Utah. (I organized a similar project with hygiene kits for my ward!) As a squeamish gay man, I am very naive about the female body, and I want to keep it that way, so the "ick" factor almost kept me away. But it was good to contribute.

In so many ways, this conference felt like a typical Latter-day Saint fireside. There were hymns and prayers and talks about Jesus. Much of it felt like it could have been a Deseret Book meeting. But as I talked to individuals, so many people are struggling and really having a hard time navigating this intersection of faith and orientation. We don't fit the blueprint, and there really isn't a clear path for us (or a "right" path for us). 

Now, the best part of any conference is making connections and meeting people. I could listen to motivational speeches anywhere online. But it's so good to find new friends and reconnect with old ones. This conference felt like you could just be friends with anyone and they would understand the messiness of our lives. I'm grateful for the new friends I made and the old friendships I added to.

I have a very kind friend who I met in an online Lift+Love group two days after I came out two years ago, and he invited me to dinner with some local ally friends. But this morning, I was astonished to receive a notification that someone commented on a picture I posted on the Seen@BYU Facebook page back in 2011. The new notification was spam. But lo and behold, my friend had commented on the post way back in 2011, eleven years before I met him! And I was especially amazed that I figured this out on the day I was going to see him. So that was a fun connection.

***

OK, since this post had some heavy things, I thought I would end with pumpkinundation roundup, Gather edition! These are mostly things I got in my time in Provo. 

This Lee's Marketplace Pumpkindoodle was at the dinner I went to here locally. It was OK. It didn't seem very pumpkiny. 6/10.

I went to dinner with two other gay guys on Saturday, and I got this Back Door BRGR Grumpy Claire Burger. It has a savory caramel apple sauce below the beef. The caramel apple sauce had apple chunks in a sweet-ish sauce—not sweet like candy, but sweeter than is typical on a burger. I really enjoyed the burger; I didn't necessarily notice the caramel apple sauce when I ate everything together. 8/10.

I forgot the name of the vendor where I bought this pumpkin spice macaron. I think macarons are unreasonably priced, but I really enjoyed this one. 8/10.

In Utah, we use the word "scone" to refer to frybread, but this Dat Sour Dough Maple Pumpkin Spice Sourdough Scone is not that kind of scone. I think this is the first time I have ever had this kind of scone. I wasn't impressed with this particular one. It was dense and not very flavorful. And it was made with "pumpkin spice," not pumpkin, and yet even the spices weren't that noticeable. 4/10.

This Fresh Market Caramel Apple Fritter is their doughnut of the month, but I think it's just an apple fritter with a caramel drizzle, so it's not very interesting, and I've never loved apple fritters anyway. 5/10.

Sub Zero Ice Cream is a place that uses liquid nitrogen to instantly freeze cream into ice cream, and I went to one in East Wenatchee, Washington, back in 2008. At the Provo location, I had this Sub Zero Green Caramel Apple Ice Cream. It was very artificial tasting, like a knockoff Jolly Rancher, which I thought clashed with the cream. 4/10.

And I was eager to try the Sub Zero Ginger Pear Ice Cream, because I would love to see pear embraced as a fall flavor. I liked the textural contribution of the almonds. But I didn't really taste pear. I just tasted ginger. 6/10.

Another midweek update

 Just like last week, I'm doing an extra blog post in the middle of the week, since I will have a busy weekend.

On Sunday, I picked grapes for the annual grape juice season. I love how it just tastes like fall whenever I have it. But I have found that I don't like juice as much as I used to. I have started to realize how much sugar I consume, and I can't handle it like I used to. If I have too much sugar, I will wake up at 4 a.m. and be awake for two hours. I have to limit my intake of grape juice.

On Monday evening, my ward went on a hike up the Deuel Creek Trail in Centerville. It was my third time there, and I remembered why I don't go there more often. The trail is rocky and hard to follow, and sometimes it is slippery and steep. And it's also where I had an awkward date back when I was still dating women. It is pretty though.

We hiked to these rope swings, and a condescending stranger pressured someone in our ward to get on them. It did not end well. 

And on the way down, I twisted my ankle again, right as I thought it was healed from last time. Luckily, it wasn't as bad as other times. I bought an ankle brace the next day, and it might have to be a regular part of my running apparel, since that ankle is more prone to twisting.

Tuesday was the presidential debate, but I had no desire to watch it, for the same reason I don't read comments on the internet—it would just make me mad. Plus, I already know who I'm voting for. Instead, I opted to bake tomato-zucchini cobbler and grape-peanut bread while listening to happy music by Hollow Coves, the National Parks, and Kacey Musgraves.

The next day, I did listen to the gubernatorial debate in the background while I was working. And I really don't know who to vote for. I am so disappointed that Spencer Cox has sold out to the far right. But I lost respect for Brian King when he teamed up with Phil Lyman, an absolute nut job, to make fun of Cox's "Disagree Better" initiative, which I think is his most important contribution. And libertarianism in general makes me uneasy, but Robert Latham seemed least combative. Oh well, I won't get my ballot for a month or so.

Yesterday, I also had to bring home three new Squishmallows. I'm getting better at not buying as many, but the fruitcake, swamp monster, and potion were unique enough for me to get.

And tonight I ran again. Some of the leaves are changing, but so far they're not very vibrant.

And here are this week's dreams so far:

Mark's pet pig chews on plastic Easter grass and won't stay out of Mark's room

Mark's mom's distant relative buys the most expensive house in Utah, and tourists are always visiting it

Mark goes to a burger restaurant that has entrees inspired by The Addams Family

Mark swims freestyle on the ground next to an apartment complex where Shane is hanging out

Bountiful holds three small St. Patrick's Day parades in March instead of one big one, and Mark tries to find a green Airheads candy

Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble break into a bank.

Mark eats his homemade pineapple salsa.

a foreign gift shop in a mall sells Latter-day Saint books and gifts

***

I have had a soft opening of pumpkin season. So you know what that means? The return of pumpkinundation roundup! This is my tenth year!

SoCupcake is a bakery in Millcreek, near my state offices. This is a SoCupcake Salted Caramel Pumpkin Cupcake. I think cupcakes are cumbersome to eat, so I'm glad the fad has faded, but I still really enjoyed this cupcake. The pumpkin cake was typical, but the salted caramel frosting tied it all together. 8/10.

Great Value Pumpkin Spice Flavored Syrup has been in my fridge for a few years, since I don't go through much syrup. It just has some vague spice flavor. 5/10.

And I think the Great Value Candy Corn Flavored Syrup has been in the fridge even longer. It's just generically sweet. 5/10.

I got these Kencko Pumpkin Spice Instant Smoothie packets last year, and I just finished the last one. You mix it with milk, and I think it's meant to go with vegan milk, but I use cow's milk. The mix tastes like someone spilled a container of pumpkin spice on the beach, then just gathered up the sand. 4/10.

And it seems appropriate to put this here. Two years ago, I bought this book, Pumpkin: The Curious History of an American Icon by Cindy Ott. It came out in 2012, but I didn't hear of it until more recently. (In 2012, I was still entertaining antihistory thoughts and was just dipping my toes into the field.) And I had a lot of things going on the last two falls. But I finally started it this week! And so far, I find it fascinating. I just love that there are cultural histories about these niche topics. If I had known cultural history was a branch of history, I might have actually enjoyed history when I was younger. Anyway, I can't give it a rating yet, because I just started it.

Restore, Year 3

This past Friday and Saturday was the third annual Restore gathering put on by Faith Matters. Since I'm on Faith Matters' payroll (without getting paid) because of my work on Wayfare magazine, I got free admission, and I invited my mom, since it seemed like something she would enjoy. Faith Matters tackles big questions of religion and the human experience from a devoted, but sometimes questioning or unsatisfied, Latter-day Saint perspective.

The conference consisted of various presentations, interspersed with musical numbers and poetry. (I don't much care for poetry, but I can appreciate that it speaks to other people.)

I thought I would describe the various presentations and proceedings of the conference. But I didn't take many notes, so I suppose that the presenters would disagree with how I distilled their messages.

Friday morning, Terryl Givens talked about the universe and how all the atoms led to people who could create Michelangelo's Pietà. He talked about the amazing coincidence that the sun and the moon are about the same size in the sky, allowing eclipses, and our place in the galaxy that allows us to view the galaxy. And he talked about how evolution proceeds in a way that fixes problems. Star-nosed moles and naked mole rats have body parts (star nose and giant teeth) that give these animals strong senses to make up for their lack of sight. And bats, birds, and insects all developed flight independently of each other.

Eboo Patel is a Muslim man who talked about religious diversity and how we can embrace different religious traditions, that American religious diversity is like a potluck. He told a story that when he was ten years old, he was embarrassed to go to a birthday party with his own beef hot dogs, since he couldn't eat the pork hot dogs that were being served, and there was another kid, a Jewish kid, who brought his own beef hot dogs to the party—and he felt less alone. Jazz, blues, rock and roll, and hip-hop are examples of things that came about from bringing different cultural elements together. He talked about President Nelson's "Peacemakers Needed" talk.

(In February 2023, Dallin H. Oaks spoke in Chicago and said we should try "to strengthen our unity—not to glorify our diversity." I was astonished that, of all possible topics, he would choose to criticize diversity. Like, what the heck?! I wasn't the only person who felt this way, because a few days later, they removed the video from the Church website, and they sent out a Churchwide email that said, "We all come from different backgrounds and have unique experiences that can be used to build Zion right where we are." I have other thoughts about this, but they aren't very peacemaking.)

Joseph Grenney established the Other Side Academy, which is meant to provide opportunities for criminals to reform and turn their lives around. He talked about this two years ago. It's very inspiring, and it's also discomforting. I tend to lack charity for criminals, and he shows how they have inherent goodness that needs a chance to flourish. But in this talk, he was specifically talking about the "ideal family," which doesn't exist. And the perfect family doesn't exist in the scriptures either. 

Elizabeth Oldfield is a British woman who converted to Christianity as a young adult, then reverted to atheism, then returned to Christianity. I enjoyed hearing her experiences.

During the lunch break, I got my copy of Gracing, a new book published by Faith Matters. It is written by a biologist and has an expansive definition of grace. I actually copyedited this book earlier this year, and it was a lovely book. (And unlike with Wayfare, they paid me for this one.)

In the afternoon, Pete Davis talked about choosing what we devote our time to. He said something along the lines of saying no to something is saying yes to something else. But I might be conflating his talk with a work training earlier this year. I didn't take any notes of his speech. 

Jennifer Finlayson-Fife discussed how to talk to your kids about sex, which of course doesn't apply to my situation.

David Butler talked about the valuable contributions of different religions of the world. I wish I had taken notes, because it was a good (and funny) talk.

They had a young-adult session, but we didn't attend that one. You can't watch everything worthwhile, y'know?

We went back on Saturday, and we heard from Thomas McConkie, who is kind of a hippie type who has a Buddhist background before he returned to the Mormonism of his youth. He described how as adults, we experience a stimulus (a sound, a feeling, etc.,), and then we create a narrative around that sensation. But children and babies just experience the stimulus without all the different stories surrounding us. He invited us to experience these stimuli without all the extra stories we tell ourselves, just experience being like a child would. (I may be grossly mischaracterizing his message.)

Neylan McBaine and Val Hamaker talked about the problems with patriarchy in the Church, that there are so many opportunities that women don't have to lead and where their voices aren't heard. They pointed out that patriarchy hurts men too, because men are expected to always be strong. (Personally, I strongly feel that women should be Sunday School presidents, ward clerks, and executive secretaries, especially since they used to be ward clerks.) This talk was very popular with the audience and had a lot of spontaneous applause. I didn't disagree with it, but I was surprised that of all the presentations, this was the one that got all the enthusiasm.

Mauli Bonner, a filmmaker and musician, told a harrowing story where he saw a woman carrying a baby on the street in the middle of the night, and he felt an impression to watch out for the baby. So he ended up giving the couple and the baby a ride to try to take them to a hotel, but there was no room at any hotel, so he loaned them his car. Then they crashed his car. Spoiler alert: it turned out that they had actually abducted the baby, who was unharmed and returned to its parents, but the couple fled the hospital. His lesson was specifically not that if we have faith it will all work out. But I don't remember what the lesson was.

Jared Halverson, a BYU professor, talked about "proving contraries." The beams of the cross run perpendicular to each other, not parallel to each other, and we have to embrace the seemingly contradictory elements of the two great commandments. But if you have to err on a side, you should err on the side that will be able to be more easily corrected. For example, if someone is suicidal, you should err on the side to prevent suicide.

Then Mallory Everton (of Studio C fame) and Diana Brown talked about being single in a marriage-focused church. They were amusing and entertaining, and of course I can relate. There are many people who say things that are less than empathetic to single people. But I honestly don't remember a lot of what they said. Maybe I should start listening to their podcast. They shared AI images of what they imagined their ideal husbands would be when they were young.

Then in the afternoon session, they had a conversation between John Gustav-Wrathall, a gay Boomer married to a man, and Allison Dayton, the founder of Lift+Love. John attends church actively, even though he is technically no longer a member. He read the Book of Mormon with his non–Latter-day Saint husband, who said, "This book is so good. Why don't they live it?" He said that the Church is people, so if you want the Church to support LGBTQ folx, then the people who support LGBTQ folx can't leave. But he said that there is a difference between pain and discomfort, which applies both in yoga and in church. If you experience pain, you should pull back; but if you experience discomfort, you should lean into it. This presentation was also well received.

Astrid Tuminez, the president of Utah Valley University, talked about her experiences gleaned from Catholicism, Eastern religions, and Mormonism. 

S. Michael Wilcox talked about embracing religious ideas. He said the question was never about which religion is most true, but which religion has goodness, truth, and beauty and is spiritually mature. He talked about a compass, the kind of compass you use to draw circles. You should have one foot fixed in the religion that will have you (which can change if needed), but then you have a searching foot that embraces the truths of other religions.

Patrick Mason, a history professor at Utah State University, talked about peacemaking and building communities. To prepare for peace, we should be like spiders building webs of relationships: be anchored, spin our webs, and then be sticky. I really admire Patrick Mason and his work, but I didn't love the metaphor that compared us to predators. I saw him walking in the lobby at the beginning of the day, and I considered introducing myself as a fellow historian, but the insecure introvert in me won out.

Jennifer Thomas talked about her work with the organization Mormon Women for Ethical Government, which is based on the principles of the Sermon on the Mount: "blessed are the peacemakers" and "love thy neighbor." MWEG is 37 percent Democrat, 40 percent Republican, and 23 percent Independent. I always pegged them as more left-leaning, so those statistics surprised me. But since Mormon women in the US tend to lean right in general, MWEG's more balanced demographic inherently means it leans more left than the general Church membership.

I saw various people I know from different corners of my life, so that was fun. I said hi to a few people I don't know super well, because forming connections is one of the best things about attending conferences.

This is the third time I've been, and it's been worth it every time. I highly recommend it.

And this was just the beginning of a very busy September!

And I felt weird including my silly AI dream images after a description of this conference. But more than one presenter used silly AI images, so I feel justified.

Mark's bicycle tire is flat and sprays it's slime out, so he doesn't know what to do with his bike now (I usually create these prompts on my phone, and my phone likes to "correct" its to it's.) 

Mark watches an old episode of "The Munsters" to analyze its gender attitudes

a policeman says a gun is not loaded for demonstration purposes, but then bullets fall out of it

Rick plays Mark's music at Grandma Judy's house

Mark reads a comic strip that says an underrated instrument is the air-music vegetable

Jen shares peppermint Andes mints with popping candy, and Mark says, "It's like.a fireworks show in my mouth"

Mark walks past a booth where historians are showing old coins

Mark and his family play a month-themed driving game, and Mark drives off the cliff during the April portion

Mark gives dog treats to his sister's two dogs in a steep hill

Mark is on a boat with his history colleagues, and one colleague holds a yellow hooded snake